he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
