he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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