Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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