oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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