So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
