Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
