Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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