got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
