ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Randomize
