I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
