I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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