Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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