eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I wish i was in the wii world.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
