the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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