please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
