just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
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Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
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Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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