Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
