He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
