got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
