If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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