Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
