Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
