Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
