i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
