I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
