I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
