Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
