Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
