My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Randomize
