So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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