Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
