dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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