I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
