So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
