dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
