Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Just invented taco cereal.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
