Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
