Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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