you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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