He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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