weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Randomize
