I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
