69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
