YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you have to choose: penises or morals?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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