Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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