I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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