the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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