I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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