i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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