I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
