Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
