Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
