My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Randomize
