don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
