Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
