dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
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I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
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Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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